Every stupid question

... requires a not-so-gentle answer.

Old lady: I heard your sister's getting married.
Me: Yeap.
Old lady: Oh my God!! what's gonna happen to you?
Me: what do you m--- WHAT?
Old lady: When are YOU going to get married?
Me: HA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!
Old lady: ??
Me: Duuuuude, Been there, done that, wasted my time... never again.
Old lady: Who are you calling DUDE, young lady? show some respect!
Me: That's the same thing I thought when you decided to slam yourself into my personal life.... DUDE.

... and I left.

Yakamatsu (x)

Hey, Gabe and I are organizing a pot-luck dinner on his place. Wanna come?

Awwww... you guys are inviting me?? that's so sweet!

[whatever] It'll be Oscar night, we'll do dinner before and watch the show.

Sounds cool.... but who is he?

What do you mean?? It's Gabe... you know him.

No, the other guy.

What other guy?

Oscar... is it his birthday? should I buy a present or anything??

o.O

Well?? is it???

I have to go. I need to lay down.

Yakamatsu (ix)

Laterzzzzzzz!

Going out?

Yeap.

Ohhhh... looking nice! Who's the lucky guy???

First floor neighbors.

Oh lala!!

The guy's a 75 year-old man.

Oh... gross!!

He and his wife are taking me out for dinner.

And why aren't they taking ME as well???

Do you even know who am I talking about?

From their mailbox, I know their last name! Hui.

No sweetie, those are the chinese from the second floor. Two dudes. In their 20s.

Still, I can't believe they didn't ask you to invite me. That's rude!!

Do you know their names?

No.

They don't know yours either. You're even. See ya!

Yakamatsu (viii)

Did you see? the Pope made the news again.

Nice, where?

He's in the cover of Rolling Stone?

What's that?

... a magazine.

Never heard of it... is it a geology journal?

O.o

Yakamatsu (vii)

I swear, I am NOT making any of this shit up.

Did you hear?? Nelson Mandela died!!!

I saw that, yes!

Do you know who Nelson Mandela was?

[Oh fuck! am I being tested?!?!] Ummm... SouthAfrican president - Apartheid - Racism - Prisioner... Ummm...

REALLY? I thought he was a singer.

[Jaw. to. the. floor]

Lunch, next day:

Did you hear about the World Cup draw?

World Cup... do mean soccer??

Uh-huh.

Not really, I'm not into sports, I prefer to read about news of the world.

[Suuuuuuuuuuuuure you do... pffffff!!!!]

The World Cup... they'll play before New Year's in Australia, right? 

[I think I'll lose my jaw to all the "flooring"] 

What about it?

[And now, to ensure my ticket to Beelzebub's fire pit...] Do you want to hear something sad?

Oh no!!!... what?!?!

Nelson Mandela was going to sing at the opening ceremony.

Oh noooooo!!! poor guy!!

Yakamatsu (vi)

A post-Thanksgiving present for the world... a DOUBLE-YAKAMATSU feature!!!!

(and yes, I'm copying my most commented Facebook status of the week here, sue me)

The old lady from the reception desk just learned we don't celebrate Thanksgiving in Colombia:

WHAAAAAAAAAAT?!?! What do you celebrate then?!?!
Ummmm... Christmas?
What do you do in Colombia on Thursday then?!?!?!
Ummmm... work?
Does that mean you're coming to work on Thursday?!?!?
Of course! 
But Thanksgiving is a world-wide celebration!!!
Just like the Word Series, right?
EXACTLY!!
It's a religious thing. We're all Scientologists there.
Oh... 

I know, I'm going straight to hell.

Of course, I HAD to share this with Yakamatsu girl because well, I was bored.
Meh...

Why do you have to be so mean?!?!
I was not being mean! That old hag is TOO old, maybe she was there when the pilgrims came the first time, she maybe even helped on the Welcome party planning. She should know better!

I don't get it.

[Surprised Mafe? ----- nope!]

Anyway, do you have any plans for Thanksgiving?

I think "this guy" was going to invite me to his parents house...

OH MY GOD! ROMANTIC!!!! ARE YOU GOING?!?!

No.
WHY NOT?!?!?
Because if the family is as boring as the guy I'll end up hanging myself from the shower curtain.
You're mean.
It's called reality check sweetheart. The dude's incredibly and horribly lame. Besides, the neighbors invited me to their place, they're fun, I prefer walking across the parking lot rather than driving 45 minutes to be bored to death.
You're being a bitch.
No. It's called being practical.
Wait! Why didn't I get an invitation from the neighbors?
[Because they're afraid of you, maybe?!?!?!] I don't know, ask them, not me.
Ha! but you're not going to be able to go to ANY Thanksgiving parties anyway.
I won't?
You'll be working on Thursday, won't you?
You're joking, right?
But you just said----
You DO know I was jok--- are you being sarcastic?
I don't know what that means.
[Lordy Lord a' Mercy!]

Yakamatsu (v)

Freaking cold weather... it hurts!
I knoooooow!
My lips are so dry they hurt.
Can you imagine mine? I play the flute!
OH DUUUUDE!!! I forgot about that, poor you... how do you manage?
I have a special pomade, it's really good... but I never use it.
O.o
Besides, after so much use, you kinda lose feeling.
That's what HE said!
What?
Never mind. So... you don't feel anything?
Well, I can feel a kiss, I guess.
Girl, you don't feel kisses on your lips.
What are you talking about?
[Heeeeeeeeeere we go] Well... If they're sweet, you'll feel butterflies in your stomach.
Gross!! does that mean I'll get bugs and worms because of a contagious disease through my mouth?!?!
[WTF just happened here?!?!]
I never thought of that.
I didn't sa--- forget about it.
Thanks for the heads-up!
[sigh]... anyway. If they're wild, passionate and kinky, you'll feel them somewhere else.
Really?!?!
Don't you think?!?!
Where?!?!
[And I HAD to say it and she HAD to ask it]... well... "down there".
You know what? you're right.
[Oh... thank you baby Jesus! I won't have to explain THAT ONE!]
Yes! my feet get sweaty when I get excited.
[I'm 100% sure I just got a free pass to hell for this one]

Yakamatsu (iv)

I went to the library to rent some DVDs (yes, I do that, I'm old-fashioned like that) and I found "The Iron Lady" on the shelves. Yakamatsu girl went with me.
I've wanted to watch that movie for some time so... well...


Looooook! I love this woman [Meryl Streep]. Nice! 
Is it good?
Well, look at the title!
"Iron lady"... what is it about?
Ummmm... about the Iron lady?
Who's that?
Mar ---- wait ---- what?? ----Margareth Thatcher!
Who's that?

Only... female... Prime Minister... England... ever?

Really? I didn't know that!

She died early this year. It was all over the news...

Really?!?!?! Never heard of her.

I'll take "The Emperor's New Groove" as well, we can watch it together.

Is that a documentary?

Oh dear Lord...

Last night, I stayed home and watch a movie (duh! I can't go out...). 

She decided to join.

She specifically asked to watch "Iron Lady".

Ok, let's educate her.

Just so you know "Iron Lady" is not a movie about "Iron Man"'s mother.

Who?!?!

Iron Man? you know... from The Avengers?

Who?!?!

The Avengers... Hulk, Captain America, Hawk-eye, Black Wido--- no?

Never heard of them.

How do you do that!?!?!

What?

Nothing. It's my fault. I like these super hero movies no one watches.

It's ok. We all like some things no one knows about.

O_o

Half-way through the movie...

Oh look! The dancing with Reagan scene! I remember watching that on the news with my grandpa a loooong time ago! I can't believe it. They even found a guy that looks like him!

Like who?!?!

Reagan.

Who?!?!

Ronald Reagan.

Who!??!

Former US president?

I don't know who that is.

[Oh... fuck it! Why bother?]

Yakamatsu (iii)

Yakamatsu girl and her cyber boyfriend Skype 3 times a day. Everyday.
Every.
Day.

Today (Sunday) she woke up at 6 in the morning to sing to him

Six.

In the Morning.

To sing.

ON A SUNDAY!!

I opened my sweet little eyes and with the smile of a tigress in heat who has just been woken up from her beauty sleep by a stampede of monkeys high on Ecstasy asked her to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I noticed a wine glass besides her computer.
Then I realized, every time she talks with this dude there's a wine glass.
I'm not stalking. Just noticing patterns.

Maybe I should mention that in this apartment, I'm the alcoholic one.
I'm the one that has her wine rack stuffed with a Savignon blanc, a Riesling, a Moscato, a Rosso, a Verde, a Late Harvest, an Uzo, an Amaretto, a Cointreau and... some weird Chocolate wine a guy gave me for my birthday.
Ummm, now that I think about it... I'm the one that OWNS a wine rack.

So, this girl doesn't buy wine, doesn't drink mine but still... has a wine glass by her laptop all the time.

What the hey?
Is she a phantom alcoholic?
What does she drink?
There was a left-over of whatever she was drinking. It was something wine-like-color, wine-like-texture, but it didn't smell like any wine I know.
OH MY GOD!!! "any wine I know"... am I an alcoholic???

---  anyway ---

So, I'm curious and I decide to ask her about the glass:

Ummm... sweetie... are we getting drunk on love??
No, no, no... it's that I want [cyber boyfriend's name] to think I'm an experienced woman. I don't want him to think I'm lame.
LAME!?!?!?!?! YOU?!?!?!?!? NAAAAAAHHHHHH...
[cool it Mafe, be nice!]
So yeah, I drink apple juice while I talk to him and pretend is something... ummmm... stronger?
You DO realize he sees you "happy on wine" at 6 in the morning every weekday, right?!?!?!
O.o
Nope, not lame. Not lame at all.

Yakamatsu (ii)

Ugh...
What's wrong?
It's that time of year again.
What time?
Got an e-mail from the doctor, it's time for my yearly check-up.
Huh?!?!?!
You know... the most dreaded doctor's appointment for women?
Oh yeah! I hate that, my lips always end up chapped after those things.
THAT'S GROSS!!! TMI!!
Well, that's why I hate going to the dentist too.
The denti--- ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Yakamatsu (i)

Yakamatsu is a Japanese word for "You can't make this shit up".

My roommate the mexican flautist is an everlasting source of Yakamatsu moments.

I come home one day and it smells weird, like someone's baking a cake but not really.

Hey gurrrrl, whatcha doin'?
Baking a cake.
Smells funny.... did you turn on the oven? [please don't explode my apartment, please, don't]
Of course! I'm not stupid!

I see the thermostat and it shows a little less than 200.
Why is the temperature so low?
The recipe calls for 175 degrees for 35 minutes... but it's been cooking for an hour.

I know what you're thinking... wait fooooooooor it.
175 degrees... Were those Celsius or Farenheit, babyface?
Who cares, they're the same thing, right?

Mafe's jaw... to-the-floor.
Umm... not really honeybunch. 175C is EASY 350-400F.
Wow...  like magic?
[Oh... for the fricking love of...] Not magic sweetiepie, like PHYSICS.
Really? I though Physics were about throwing rocks.

Take a deep breath Mafe. You kill her, you'll pay for it... with half of your rent.
Can't you just double-check your recipe?
How can I do that?
G--- T--- S
What?
GOOGLE --- THAT --- SHIT
Here's the recipe, but it doesn't say... those must be MEXICAN DEGREES.