Tuesday, July 22, 2014

A senseless oniric witch

In the last months I've been having really weird dreams.
I cannot have normal dreams like winning the lottery, or being Miss Congeniality on a beauty pageant, or riding a unicorn, or getting unlimited frequent flyer miles just because.

No, Mr. Sandman must be high on mushrooms everytime he visits my pillow, because... really dude! what are you smoking??? You're going from one edge to dreamland to the opposite in the blink of an nap.

Some of them are really nice, the kind of dreams that wake you up in the middle of the night with a funky smirk and make you hold tight whatever you find next to you while laying in bed.

Thank you Mr. Sandman. You fluffy, dirty, sexy, piece of sugar daddy!

My not-so-cool dreams are very much like the scary ones I used to have before:
Death, blood, tears, funerals, dark nights, rain, strong gusts of wind, 3 children (who I don't know) crying by the side of a lake... apparently, my dreams are a copycat version of The Prisioner of Azkaban.

My dreams turn into horror movies but, unlike before, I'm not emotionally involved.
I'm watching, listening and being part of whatever's going on BUT I don't react like I think I should:
I see people cry, but I don't cry.
I see dead people, but I'm not scared. -do NOT insert a Bruce Willis joke here, don't be lame-
I see accidents, but I don't scream... I just call an ambulance and leave.

I wake up and... nothing... another day, another dollar.

They're not nightmares anymore.

They're not nightmares, or I'm facing a stage in life where seeing other people suffer does not have an effect on me.

Yeap, I've become that... a senseless oniric witch.

Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Being an immigrant, plus interest

"Once an immigrant, always an immigrant".

That's what my best friend in the entire universe just said to me.

It doesn't matter how long you've been away, how long you've been back, or even if you never go back to the first place; you'll always long for something you left back home or back where you used to live.

Family, friends, food, places, scents... your furniture won't be the same.

You may be sleeping in the same bed you used too 12 years ago, you may be sleeping in the most amazing bed  in the world... no, it'd never be the same.

You've earned the right to say I've been there, I've done that, I've seen such-and-such. You've been all over the world and back, you've fought giants and demons, but you've also missed many things you can't bring back: birthdays, funerals, births, fights, weddings, tragedies... simple moments that will never come back.

How much are you willing to pay for it?
Does it really have a price?

I know I'd give my head to be able to cuddle in bed with my mom while she "sleeps tv".
I'd take both my arms to be able to spend an entire day with Mona doing nothing.
I'd give my heart to bike around with Cata, just because she's into biking now.
I know I would give all I have to take care of my dad while he's recovering from surgery.

But at the same time, I kill to spend my weekends with the most amazing man on earth, making my grandma's empanadas and pineapple and ham pizza.
Being able to get away from it all and visit my best friend in the entire universe is as valuable as 10 gold mines.
I don't want to be away from MY river front where the view is amazing, the breeze is soothing, the company is always nice and I can bike around any time.
My apartment... oh, don't get me started.

Put everything on the line and check, how much are you willing to lose, how much are you going to get from it?
Is it worth it?
Is a 6-digit salary worth missing the first steps of your nephew?
Is a brand-new car worth not being able to go to the spa with your long-time best guuuurl friends?

Think again:
Would those 6-digits help the ones you're leaving behind?
Is anything or anyone making you happier that you've ever been, far away from the place you used to call home and the people you used to call "your family"?

The answer is never easy, nor it's the same for everyone.

We have a saying in Colombia: "Quien lo vive es quien lo goza".
Only the one who has been to the party knows how much fun it was.
Each one of us has a personal and very intimate party going on in our lives (pff… that came out wrong), the decisions we made would probably make no sense to the world but they do to us, so... fuck it.

Make a decision and start walking.

Just remember: you can try, but you can never be 100% in someonelse's shoes.

This is for Natalia, Luisfer, Cristina, Alejandro, Yeli, Dianila, Laura and all the Babel citizens I've met on this planet.