Thursday, October 31, 2013

Mr. Big (v)

Should I buy candy for any trick-or-treaters tonight?

... if you like those sorts of things.
I can always just turn off all the lights and hide in the kitchen...
That's my boy!!
What if no one comes to my house for candy?
Send them to me, of course!
Oh no, then you'll get fat and blame me for it.
Are you calling me f-----
WHAT? am I calling you WHAT?????
If anything, I called the opposite of what you're thinking.
Wait!! are you calling me.... ummmmm....
Haha! Need a minute??
That's my girl!
Yes, you are DEFINITELY a woman. Never losing a fight.
I know, right?!?!?!

Monday, October 28, 2013

Yakamatsu (iii)

Yakamatsu girl and her cyber boyfriend Skype 3 times a day. Everyday.

Today (Sunday) she woke up at 6 in the morning to sing to him


In the Morning.

To sing.


I opened my sweet little eyes and with the smile of a tigress in heat who has just been woken up from her beauty sleep by a stampede of monkeys high on Ecstasy asked her to SHUT THE FUCK UP.

Anyway, a couple of days ago I noticed a wine glass besides her computer.
Then I realized, every time she talks with this dude there's a wine glass.
I'm not stalking. Just noticing patterns.

Maybe I should mention that in this apartment, I'm the alcoholic one.
I'm the one that has her wine rack stuffed with a Savignon blanc, a Riesling, a Moscato, a Rosso, a Verde, a Late Harvest, an Uzo, an Amaretto, a Cointreau and... some weird Chocolate wine a guy gave me for my birthday.
Ummm, now that I think about it... I'm the one that OWNS a wine rack.

So, this girl doesn't buy wine, doesn't drink mine but still... has a wine glass by her laptop all the time.

What the hey?
Is she a phantom alcoholic?
What does she drink?
There was a left-over of whatever she was drinking. It was something wine-like-color, wine-like-texture, but it didn't smell like any wine I know.
OH MY GOD!!! "any wine I know"... am I an alcoholic???

---  anyway ---

So, I'm curious and I decide to ask her about the glass:

Ummm... sweetie... are we getting drunk on love??
No, no, no... it's that I want [cyber boyfriend's name] to think I'm an experienced woman. I don't want him to think I'm lame.
LAME!?!?!?!?! YOU?!?!?!?!? NAAAAAAHHHHHH...
[cool it Mafe, be nice!]
So yeah, I drink apple juice while I talk to him and pretend is something... ummmm... stronger?
You DO realize he sees you "happy on wine" at 6 in the morning every weekday, right?!?!?!
Nope, not lame. Not lame at all.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Yakamatsu (ii)

What's wrong?
It's that time of year again.
What time?
Got an e-mail from the doctor, it's time for my yearly check-up.
You know... the most dreaded doctor's appointment for women?
Oh yeah! I hate that, my lips always end up chapped after those things.
Well, that's why I hate going to the dentist too.
The denti--- ooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh...

Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Yakamatsu (i)

Yakamatsu is a Japanese word for "You can't make this shit up".

My roommate the mexican flautist is an everlasting source of Yakamatsu moments.

I come home one day and it smells weird, like someone's baking a cake but not really.

Hey gurrrrl, whatcha doin'?
Baking a cake.
Smells funny.... did you turn on the oven? [please don't explode my apartment, please, don't]
Of course! I'm not stupid!

I see the thermostat and it shows a little less than 200.
Why is the temperature so low?
The recipe calls for 175 degrees for 35 minutes... but it's been cooking for an hour.

I know what you're thinking... wait fooooooooor it.
175 degrees... Were those Celsius or Farenheit, babyface?
Who cares, they're the same thing, right?

Mafe's jaw... to-the-floor.
Umm... not really honeybunch. 175C is EASY 350-400F.
Wow...  like magic?
[Oh... for the fricking love of...] Not magic sweetiepie, like PHYSICS.
Really? I though Physics were about throwing rocks.

Take a deep breath Mafe. You kill her, you'll pay for it... with half of your rent.
Can't you just double-check your recipe?
How can I do that?
G--- T--- S
Here's the recipe, but it doesn't say... those must be MEXICAN DEGREES.

Monday, October 14, 2013

Everyday is Halloween

Hey bonita, do you have time for coffee?
Sure dude. You ok?
Yes. I've been meaning to talk to you about something.
Wait... we've never had coffee in the 8 years we know each other. Don't scare me.


It's about you-know-who. I think you need to hear these news from a friend.
Ok friend. Shoot.
Someone told me [insert really uncomfortable news here]
Oh!... oh...... I knew that. 
YOU DID?!?!?!
I just knew.
Oh no... now you're making sad puppy eyes... I didn't mean to!! I'm sorry!
I don't... It's... I... I can'... It's... [sigh] What can I do, huh?
Mafe, what happened?
What do you mean?
HE went 180, YOU went 180. You're two different people, unrecognizable.
You are not sweet-cute-funny-little-Mafe anymore. You're... I don't know. Different.
Different? How?
When you came back last year, all of us "macho men" took you as our sad, broken, recently divorced sister-in-law who we were supposed to take care of. You were so fragile...
Now? well... the fun smart-ass hot single aunt the kids want to be with and the "macho men" want to take out. Sometimes sexy, sometimes scary...
What do you want me to say... I'm flattered?
And you should be!! What about my broken sister-in-law? is she gone for good?
She's sitting right in front of you. She dresses-up as a smart-ass hot single aunt for family functions... and to go to work everyday.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Sister pondering (i)

Here you'll find the deepest thoughts from my sisters and I. 
Read. Listen. Learn.
And please, don't expect rational things, I'll leave those for personal and private enjoyment.

Why is Tom Hanks the best actor from the last 20 years?

Because he has been in the four most heartbreaking scenes in the last 20 years:

1. The "I'm sorry Wilson!!" scene in Castaway.
2. Captain Rich Phillips getting a check-up after being rescued from the Somali pirates in Captain Phillips.
3. Mamma and Jenny dying in Forest Gump.

... and...

4. Andy giving away Woody in Toy Story 3.

Think of a movie that has made you cry like a baby. Most probably he was there

Monday, October 7, 2013

Mr. Big (iv)

So... you made the girl cry.
I did.
On purpose, I bet.
You're mean.
No, I'm not! Besides, it was at the end of the party.
Hahahaha!!! so that makes it better?
No!!!!!! But... it's... less... ummmm... bad?
Oh my God!! are you serious?!?!
Dude, I didn't mean to.
I bet you had it planned all along.
Uhhhhh... sort of?
You bitch!
I bet she's thinking the same thing... 
So, you waited until the last minute to make her miserable... that's classy.
Listen, dinner was boring and I wanted to leave. I HAD to say good-bye and... one thing led to another.
I cannot believe you just said that.
So what? you left and she was all alone at the restaurant ready to jump off a cliff?
Nah... she was with all her amazing French, fancy friends who are not assholes... like me.
What happened to you!?!? it's like you don't have feelings anymore!! You're mean!!
I don't know. I'm just putting useless junk out of my way, I guess.
I know... I'm sorry?

Friday, October 4, 2013

I see dead people (reprise)

Here's the original post.

If you've never seen "The Sixth Sense", here's how it goes:
There's this boy that sees "dead people". Seriously! He sees dead people walking around but no one believes him. The dead don't know they're dead and they can't see each other.
There's this children's psychologist, Bruce Willis, that's going through a bad stage in his marriage and decides to help the boy overcome his fears. The guy has some really weird issues with his wife and the boy doesn't seem to get better... which gets this character pretty annoyed.
Stories come and go, and at the end *** SPOILER ALERT*** we find out that Bruce Willis was dead the whole time!!
Duuuuuuuuude! no wonder your wife didn't talk to you! Duh!
No wonder the boy's mom didn't talk to you.
No wonder you didn't see the dead... YOU were dead! man!

When you're dead... you don't know it, until someone else points it out.


I found out I am.

I'm dead.

It's not possible to meet a drunk dude for 20 minutes on a train station in another continent, get his Skype name and start talking to him and get a wedding proposal from the guy after 2 months of video chat.
So yeah, after two months of video chat, my I-don't-know-how-innocent-roommate's cyber boyfriend is coming in December months, ready to propose.
She's ready to move to his country and help raise his teen-age daughter and be a happy family.

I don't feel safe knowing that someone from the internetz is going to come to MY house to stay.

I don't believe it'll happen.
I don't believe they can be in love.
I don't believe he has good intensions.
I don't believe they can be in love.
I don't believe she's going to be happy.
I don't believe I'm angry.
I don't believe I'm scared about the situation.
I don't believe love can be like that.
I don't believe she'll survive being the "other mom".
I don't believe they can be in love.
I don't believe I can be happy for her.
I don't believe this is normal.
I don't believe they can be in love.
I don't believe they can be in love.

I don't believe in love.

There, I said it.

I don't believe in love.

I don't believe it'll ever happen to me so, I don't believe it's normal to happen to anyone.

Now it's hard for me to trust people.

If I'm not important to anyone... why waste my time?
Someone already wasted my time and used up all the love I had to give so... really, why bother?

If I'm not worthy of thinking about a lifetime with... why imagine it's possible?

All I am is just a cover-up for temporary happiness... not someone you want to wake up next to every day of your life.

Love doesn't exist.

I am dead.