Monday, November 26, 2012

You're not normal

“You could NEVER be normal. You’re special… you’re nice.”
I know that, I’m REALLY special, and maybe TOO nice. It was nice to know someone else believed that.

Someone recently told me that I shouldn’t expect anything from anyone.
The same day, someone else told me: If we don’t expect anything, it means we’re not special or important to anyone.

What’s the meaning of sharing your life with someone if there aren’t any expectations? Why are we together in the first place if not to complement, love and care for each other and fill life with expectations of all kinds?
What about your friends? Are you supposed to expect much from them? Are you supposed to expect them to be “there”… by the way, where is that place called “there”? is it close? I need to know exactly so I can look for a lost friend.

Maybe I’m too nice, maybe I’m stupid, or maybe I’m just anxious to go back to a normal life. Again.

I expected too much and received just enough to break my heart. Again.
I expected to be treated as the “very special” someone I thought I was, but it turns out I was kidding myself.
I pretended to be cool… I can’t be, I can’t hide my feelings and they’re always on my sleeve. I can’t.
I expected too much and forgave more than I should.

Oh dude, I wish you could read this some day…

Every single word I said and wrote to you was true.
The day at San Diego conference, that was all real.
Those incredibly long email "chains"... all true.

I wish I could believe your words were true as well. But it’s hard to believe them when right after you reminded me how special and nice you thought I was, you turned your back as I needed your help because I felt someone wanted to hurt me, I was scared… much less, when you didn’t even noticed how sick it made me feel.

It’s not that I’m not going to miss you. I will, you know it. I'll cry, pffff! a lot! I'm a crybaby, you know it. You've seen me!
It’s just that I can’t let you keep hurting me when I don’t know if you’re being naïve or mean. Or you just don’t care.

It hurt to know that you “deleted” every single link from me from your life; but it hurt me more that you didn’t even notice how I deleted you from mine, two days before.
It hurts!

You see? I was expecting more from you than I should, and it came back and hit me in the face.
My bad.

Remember how you told me: “Don't worry, I’m not going anywhere”?
Tonight I’m wondering if I should make you stick to that promise or just finish clearing all memories from you from my computer, my cell phone, the notebook, that napkin you scribbled last year (no, I never lost it, I found it!)… and my heart.

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